Tuesday, June 25, 2013

At a Loss for Words

Since our daughter left home so suddenly just over three weeks ago, I have found myself at a complete loss of words for something to write here at Mama Flock.  I am moving through the grief and loss process one day at a time.  Some days I can do this more gracefully than others.  But often, I am just truly sad down to my bones. The process has taken much of my energy and leaves nothing much for creative and thoughtful blogging -- so I write nothing.

Here my blog sits ... silent.  Waiting. 

Some might read this quiet as my ability to have moved on and figure I am having far too much fun with the other kids to sit and write.  Some know that in this three weeks we have also traveled to Colorado and I have had a bout with some illness and one might assume that my quiet is a result of busyness and sick.  But while life does continue marching forward every day and every minute, I miss our daughter so much that not an hour passes in the day where I don't consider her in some way.

I think about all the ways she was so integrated here and yet, at five years older than her next sibling, all the ways she was able to distinguish herself apart from the group as well.  She was a big help to me during the day, but sometimes she created her own chaos.  Either way, she was an important and integral part of this family and I simply do not understand how she has been able to wash her hands of us so completely, while I cannot begin to remove the stain her presence has left on each of our lives over the past ten years.

There are the words of encouragement from friends who remind me that things will not be this way forever and I do hold onto the hope of her reconnection with our family at some point, but all the encouragement and hope doesn't erase the sadness of today.

I know children growing into adulthood are supposed to leave home and start their lives.  I know that she will be alright and she will learn a lot from this experience.  I know that God is right there with her every step of the way.

I guess it's just the way this happened and the sudden emptiness in our lives that has me gasping for air and trying to find my way again in a family that does not have to consider her in the day to day operations any more.  I'm a little bit lost.

But in my sadness and searching, I do hear the Lord's spirit nudging me to write again.  I want to write not only about these sad things, but about some of the joys and blessings that have revealed themselves in this low light.  God is good.  He is gracious.  He is present and living among us.

I'm looking forward to sharing with you some of the lessons I've been learning in this time of struggle and rejoicing.  I hope you will continue to watch the blog for new posts to come.

Thank you, Friends, for your prayers and your patience.


  1. Praying for your struggling heart...even in the darkenss I will give your heart a song! His promises are true and hold on.

  2. I pray for you, S and the whole family. I pray that S will find it in her heart to reconnect with her family, even if she has decided to make a new way of life for herself.

    I love you, Mom