Word on the street is that my blog posts and Instagrams lately have been a little depressing for people.
Okay, I'm sorry about that. This is my real life and I'm trying to remain as hopeful as possible through something with which I'm really struggling. But sadness and frustration are emotions that, as humans, we all have.
That being said, I don't want anyone worrying themselves that I'm going to throw myself off a bridge or something. My hope is in the Lord.
No matter how hard this life can be at times even while I walk through it chemically balanced only thanks to specific medications, at the core of every thing is my faith. This faith is from where I draw strength. This faith is what carries me through these terrible moments in life. This faith is what allows me to hurt, heal and keep moving forward.
I know that in the end, those of us who have this kind of faith, will have an eternity with our Father in a place where we will no longer feel hurt, loneliness, sadness and frustration. I look forward to the day I can be there. I hope you'll be there, too.
But I'm in no rush. There is still plenty the Lord has planned for me here. I just know it.
So while there are still tears just waiting to fall from my eyes whenever someone gives me a really, really meaningful hug (like a friend and church did on Sunday) or when my chiropractor asks me the question, "And so, tell me, have you been really wonderful lately?!" (like he did this morning at my first adjustment in over a week), there are a lot of other moments where I'm more on track.
I've stopped staying in bed half the day because it just seems too overwhelming to face. I feel joy in little things -- little moments with the other kids, especially. I am seeing blessings upon blessings pour out in my life where I might not have seen them before because I had not been jolted out of the routine of everyday into a very vulnerable place.
I'm living more in the now. Making small moments count.
I still have a lot to do to pull S and J's room together and make it a room that works for just J. I still have memories to box up and put aside. I still have daily chores and other nagging things that I don't want to do, but must.
But I can foresee the ambition to tackle these projects now. I spent a week in an absolute slump. Unmotivated and uncaring. Not anymore (except those days will probably still appear on occasion -- consider this my advance warning).
Tonight is really exciting because our family is going to a Hillsong United concert!! I've always wanted to see them live and now is our chance. We have really terrible seats, but it doesn't matter. The tickets were cheap enough to afford them for all of us and besides, that's where the rest of our church family (the ones who are also going) will be sitting as well. It's going to be an amazing time and I can hardly wait.
In the meantime, I'll try harder to be less dreary in my posts. I feel less dreary, so hopefully it'll come out more and more in my writing.
Thank you for the prayers you have lifted on behalf of our family. We feel them. God is at work.